wait what.

so according to facebook and twitter, school is in session. and it is crazy. and i am confused at my feelings. 

do i want to be back in school? do i actually miss it? do i want to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for books? do i want to pretend to be super cool on my first day of classes slash church while i scope out the hotties? do i want to have billions of pages to read for each of my classes? do i want to have to choose between socializing and sleep and school and money and sleep and food and exercising and sleep? do i like the anxiety of studying and taking tests and walking out of the test center, avoiding the blazing glare of the test score screen? do i like these things? do i?!

nope. i don't.

but i do.

no i don't.

i kind of do.

i like it because it's the only way i have lived, the only way i know how to live. i have always been a student, getting through the next four months, the next year, the next four years. i have lived my life in segments, with clear cut deadlines and finish lines. i knew that every january, april, august i would get a fresh start. i would meet new people, make new friends, get a new calling, new classes, new teachers, new schedule, new new new. i had the people i could always count on. i knew smith's like the back of my hand. i had all my running routes memorized. even though it didn't feel like it sometimes, i had it all and i had it all figured out.

but. here i am. living on my own in dallas, texas. figuring things out as i go. on my own. one day, one week, one month at a time. i have learned a lot about myself, a lot about life. mostly i've learned that some things will take me for ev er to learn and some things i will probably never figure out ever. and that's ok. being here at this place, at this time in my life is great and i love that i get scared and that i figure things out and that i still get help from my mom and people love me even when i get crazy.

good luck to those going back to school. enjoy it, revel in it. it won't last forever.

four years ago. my freshman roommates. our very first bonding experience. night games in the rain. huzzah.

a little more graduation...

i know this is old news by now, but i have a few not so professional looking graduation pics left to throw on here.

 

he's so tall.... it's depressing, really.

 

this random child started hugging my mom's leg. just confirming the fact that all children love my mother. and she is a beautiful nurturing soul.

yay for graduating friends!

story of my life.

 

i found mine bestie sarahduke.

my beautiful grad brunch. thanks lauren!

future byu grads.

yay for cousins!

ok, the end, really.

go forth to serve.

so technically i graduated in december... but since they don't have ceremonies then, i walked with the april graduates. and even though i haven't been taking classes for the last four months, it wasn't until i was in my cap and gown with my closest friends and family before i felt like it was actually over.

i would like to give a huge and sincere thank you to all who supported, encouraged, fed, and listened to me in the last four years. i couldn't have done this without the loving support of my friends and family, and even some super nice strangers. byu was an experience i will never forget. i have enough memories to last a lifetime and i have met the most amazing people who have become my byu family and very best friends.

i have grown closer to my heavenly father in ways i didn't know was possible. i trust that as i move forward and progress, i will never be alone and will be taught different things i need to learn. i am ready for whatever comes. i can do hard things.

now for the pictures. i'm not even going to pretend that there aren't a lot.

and the credit goes to beautiful lauren. thanks sis.

now let's all take a second and realize how handsome david is. really though.

victory.

so this happened.

more pics to come.

fin.

well. i finished. and it was epically awesome. just kidding. not really. i went to cafe rio and yogurtland after i finished my last test to celebrate #duh. that part was epically awesome.
now i'm back in st george and i discovered i left both my laptop and scriptures in provo. what? how is that even possible? well it is. don't worry though. i didn't forget to bring my computer charger and scripture highlighter. awesome. this is called paying attention to detail.
so i probably won't get any solid posts in until saturday night. my friend is bringing my stuff down, bless his beautiful soul. until then then i will be reading, hanging out with my mother, and this guy:

have you guys been watching 'once upon a time'? if not, repent now, get on hulu, and let your soul soak in the amazingness that is fairy godmothers, princes slaying dragons, and true love's kiss. classic fairytales at their best.

just about there...

yesterday i had my last class ever. and it felt great.

this is me containing my excitement.

now only a few tests stand between me and life 

consisting simply of sleep, netflix, and family time, all completely and totally guilt free.

single digits.

my lovely friend anna pointed out yesterday at lunch that the number of classes i have left are in the single digits.
for the rest of my life.
forever.
FOREVER.

i keep forgetting slash it's kind of hard to wrap my brain around. i've been going to school since 1995. that is sixteen years. SIXTEEN. YEARS. do you know what has happened since 1995?

- basically all ten seasons of friends
- the very first pixar movie
- 9/11
- all things harry potter
- dvds
- a royal divorce, a royal death, and a royal marriage
- the iPod
- the rise and fall and [debatable] rise again of britney spears
- netflix. netflix forever.

yeah. life isn't the same as it was in 1995. how will i know how to live without school in this changed world? i have been trying to tap into the memories of my five year old self but it's just not the same.

gone are the days of dress up and hanging out with gina all day every day. no more fairy house making and watching oklahoma every morning. no longer can i waste the day away playing hide-and-go-seek or dancing around all over the house in my underwear [actually... debatable]. i have traded it all in for job searching, paying the bills, going to the gym, and debating what i should and shouldn't eat. my newfound activities are going to weddings, grocery shopping, and making sure i'm being social instead of hanging out with me, myself, and netflix. i call things i like 'guilty pleasures' instead of just owning it.

adult life is sounding really lame. but it's not, right? no, it's pretty sweet. being an adult means progressing, growing, learning. i can make friends from all over the country, all over the world. i can choose who to be and how to be. being myself isn't any harder than it was when i was five, it just is if i make it that way.

so here's to the future. the changes are coming. and they are craaazy. but also awesome. and i'm super excited about it. i like who i am and where i am and where i'm going. wherever that is. this is real life.

last first.

oh hey.

so would you like to hear about the last week and a half of my life? ok cool.

- drove back to provo.
- moved into my new apartment.
- reunited with my beautiful friends.
- went to my new ward.
- started my last first day of school.
- started work again [yay for paychecks].

i'm taking seven credits this semester. because that's all i have left to do. craziness. now it's time to decide what i want to do with my life post grad, apply for graduation [it costs $15. what?! yes.], and live it up in p town before i leave for good. it's crazy thinking of a life without byu - i got just a taste of it this summer - but it is inevitable and i'm excited to take it head on. my professor showed this video in class this week and i almost cried because i felt like it was especially for me right now.
dr. suess knows what's up.

...

in the next week i have to:

• take my fourth math test
• finish all my math homework
• study for and take my [comprehensive] math final
• turn in an eight page issues paper
• complete my group english project
• write my english final
• find somewhere to live in fall
• sort out details of my internship
• have a super awesome birthday party
• pack all my belongings
• thoroughly clean my apartment
• get the heck outta p town

hence the lack of posts. hence my lack of personality and desire to do anything.

sometimes it's hard to remember why i go to school. i should probably write a list of reasons so i don't do something stupid.

news.

as in a have some. which isn't a normal occurrence because my life usually consists of work, school and sleep [and i guess the occasional brandon flowers concert]. anyway. i have some news...

i got a human resources internship with the city of long beach in the parks and recreation department!

i am so so SO excited about this. i have been worrying about getting an internship for forever and have working toward this internship for a couple months now and i finally got it! all the worry and self doubt can subside, pump up talks and inspirational quotes on my wall [yes, i went there] did their job in keeping my hopes alive and i did it! look at me now.

so, i will be living in sunny socal starting mid june. my college experience and actual real life will slowly begin to merge and i will gain the experience i need to enter the 'real' world for good when i graduate [in december!]. plus i get to live by my family that i never get to see! win win win.

a huge thank you to my aunt amy who helped me through the process of applying and to everyone who kept my spirits up when i had a serious lack of self confidence. i couldn't have done this alone!

and in case you were wondering what long beach is like:

in the words of my friend anna [who will also be in la during summer for her internship]: 

HEYO!

fin.

this semester. took. for e ver.

it was by far the longest hardest semester of my byu career.

but with the incredibly hard times, i also recognized moments where i grew or learned something about myself or both. i feel like a totally different person than i was at the beginning of this [school] year. but in a good way. i love who i've become and i know i'll continue to change and grow. because that's what we do. the only constant is change.

something i learned from my stress psychobiology class:

we do not see the world as it is, but as we are.

reading that makes me want to have a positive and hopeful outlook on life. there is no time to waste by being down on myself or my situation or the unpredictable future. living in this moment and loving it is one of the best things i've learned to do and i am grateful for it. although i am a huge planner, i've learned that there are some things i just can't control. and that's ok. it's actually kind of a relieving realization to live with.

but what i can plan is what i want to do now that school is over [until tuesday. me oh my.]. i've been making a list on my phone so i wouldn't forget what i wanted to do when i was strapped to a computer in the library for eight hours writing a paper. it's not a very exciting to do list, but when you have zero time whatsoever, they become gold:

- redesign blog [yes, it's at the top]

- work out [this has definitely been taking a toll on me]

- paint my nails

- finally get music i've been hearing on pandora

- read books that don't put me to sleep

there are like twenty billion movies i want to watch [or rewatch]:

- the switch

- water for elephants

- the tourist

- (500) days of summer

- penelope

- the killers concert dvd

- waitress

- unstoppable

- never let me go

- get low

- the romantics

- you again

- easy a

yeah... those probably won't all happen... #agirlcandream

first things first though. shower.

things that made this insane week bearable.

people always ask if i'm worried about finals but let me tell you something. the last week of classes is way worse than finals week. everything is due and, unlike finals week, they don't give you two full days to write the two papers you were assigned to write at the beginning of the semester but never was able to get around to. i never thought this day would come. especially when i was looking at it from sunday night's point of view. but come it did! i am here, no more papers, no more assignments, only finals week and then it is officially over.

here are some things that kept me sane and not hating life:

- walking past blooming trees and being able to smell them. i've been waiting for this for so long! i literally stopped, jumped up to grab a branch and took a deep breath in. yum.

- running into my friend anna at the library. sometimes i have to remind myself that we've only hung out like twice #bloggingbesties

- leslie got a twitter. be prepared for a wave of @mentions coming your way.

- i saw someone watching prison break in the library while doing homework. my hero.

- talking to slash getting pep talks from my mom. whoever thinks they are too cool for their mom is a sad sad person.

- talking to jade and getting 'invited' to pinterest. yesss, another thing to get addicted to.

- eating taco bell every night before i go into the library. i should probably start a taco bell fast.
- rediscovered byu creamery ice cream. hi peanut butter chocolate goodness.
- eating with a taco in one hand and huge ice cream cone in the other. quite the sight to see, i'm sure.
- my room stayed relatively clean this week. a messy room adds severely to my stress level.
- reading this blog. girl cracks me up.
- seeing fernando torres' and joe jonas' doppelganger multiple times. no joke guys. it was weird.
- watching new brandon flowers' videos and debating whether to see him in vegas this weekend or not. still debating...
- my dad paying for the battery in the car. thanks so much papi!
- finding out adam ruri is coming to town!
- hanging out with my sister and her kids. plus golden spoon. #perfectday

week of instas.

i beat jeff again. muahaha. [my username is ahlin90 btw, if you want to play:]

is it possible to have too many golden spoon stamp cards? i submit that it is not.

these fun facts are in the bathrooms all over campus. hilarious.

i actually did an awesome topknot #win

peanut butter and celery. aka my childhood snack of choice.

signs on the library doors. thanks harold. needed that.

almost finished!!!